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About Awkward Ace
Hello!
It’s your friendly, yet very quiet, neighborhood introvert.
My hope is to record my hero’s journey of how I discovered that I was asexual. It’s messy; the answer was right in front of me the whole time, and totally complicated. What seemed like character flaws turned out to be strengths to the right chosen family, and I’m now at home with myself. Who knew, right?! I think I’m going to start with a small introduction to what Asexuality is to help bring some perspective to those of you who aren’t familiar with it. It can seem almost invisible to the average person and even harder for the average person to understand. It’s different for each individual as well, so my journey isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation.
Did I forget to mention my awkwardness? Heh, heh, buckle up!
While my journey is what I'm mostly interested in recording, I also love to talk about Legos, being a Dungeon Master, and other potentially random subjects! Thank you for joining me!
Asexuals are often considered the invisible orientation. I think that stems from the fact that most people probably know at least one but might not be able to point them out. An ace person can thrive in a relationship just as well as on their own. On the flip side, it can become quite obvious once you get close enough to someone. Once I first realized I was ace, I asked people what that word meant to them, and most didn’t have a clear answer. My more scientific friends used their backgrounds to come up with the closest to the right answer. In the world of nature, Asexual creatures are ones that don’t need a mate to reproduce. Now, I’m not that cool, but I did get to learn about a couple of animals that are, which was fun. Asexuals have to do with sexual attraction. This is where it gets complicated because there are different subcategories. A quick summation would be that some don’t experience sexual attraction at all, some don’t experience it for a period of time that can fluctuate, and others have criteria to meet before it occurs. For a while, I thought I was in the first category, but I found out through my personal hero journey that I’m, in fact, the last. This is my story.
Entry Zero
Where do I start? At the beginning? Is this my origin story like the comics I read? Issue Zero. It's not as simple as the average superhero: a bite from this or exposure to that. I can say that asexuals are just as vast with origins. Of course, this implies that Aces are environmental, but that isn't always true either. I am such a person. Do I list off my attributes?
As you know from my title, I am quite shy. It is never hard to make acquaintances, just long-term friends. I was always referred to as kind and friendly. That bothered me as a child for some reason, maybe because it seemed like such a surface compliment. I wanted things to be more personal. However, I wasn't sure how to make that happen.
I started doing research when I got older. By that, of course, I'd watch shows and try to figure out how to be a bit more suave. My dyslexia has a tendency to hinder my communication skills. So, I'd try to find a way to articulate better. I'd watch characters I admired and think that sounded really cool. I would then go into the world and try it on strangers first. This led my best friend at the time to pull me aside and ask me if I was aware that I was just flirting with the cashier. During this trial and error phase, I never felt the magnetic pull that attraction gives you. So, my answer to her would always be no. Was I really flirting? I immediately got self-conscious and shut down. I look back now and wonder, when I got nervous and started trying to be suave, how many times was I accidentally flirting?
As you know from my title, I am quite shy. It is never hard to make acquaintances, just long-term friends. I was always referred to as kind and friendly. That bothered me as a child for some reason, maybe because it seemed like such a surface compliment. I wanted things to be more personal. However, I wasn't sure how to make that happen.
I started doing research when I got older. By that, of course, I'd watch shows and try to figure out how to be a bit more suave. My dyslexia has a tendency to hinder my communication skills. So, I'd try to find a way to articulate better. I'd watch characters I admired and think that sounded really cool. I would then go into the world and try it on strangers first. This led my best friend at the time to pull me aside and ask me if I was aware that I was just flirting with the cashier. During this trial and error phase, I never felt the magnetic pull that attraction gives you. So, my answer to her would always be no. Was I really flirting? I immediately got self-conscious and shut down. I look back now and wonder, when I got nervous and started trying to be suave, how many times was I accidentally flirting?
As far as I remember, I've been this way. Which made it kind of a confusing puberty phase. I remember my first kiss being on the playground in elementary school. The light was bright behind us, and I had fallen into the gravel. A boy who was in my class was fond of me and decided at that moment to express his feelings. It was a brief kiss because he was shy. I have to say that neither one of us knew what it meant. We were really young. My thought was that it was just like a fairytale, and I was a princess. I didn't have any affection to return to him. So, I let the moment pass by. As for what his thoughts were, I'll never know. We never spoke of it and continued our lives as usual.
On the other hand, I started to build friendships with other women that were filled with deep platonic love. I think I was able to do that because I wasn't hindered by sexual expectations. I tried to do this with boys, but it was much more challenging as I got older.
As I got older, I ran into a few issues with boyfriends over not wanting sex. One even accused me of trying to be celibate for God, but that wasn't it at all. I just wasn't interested, and at that point in my life, I didn't have the knowledge to explain why. I would later discover, for the one who was mad at me, there were two reasons I wasn't interested. See Building Metropolis for more of Danielle's work!
On the other hand, I started to build friendships with other women that were filled with deep platonic love. I think I was able to do that because I wasn't hindered by sexual expectations. I tried to do this with boys, but it was much more challenging as I got older.
As I got older, I ran into a few issues with boyfriends over not wanting sex. One even accused me of trying to be celibate for God, but that wasn't it at all. I just wasn't interested, and at that point in my life, I didn't have the knowledge to explain why. I would later discover, for the one who was mad at me, there were two reasons I wasn't interested. See Building Metropolis for more of Danielle's work!
Entry One: Many Forms of Attraction
Hello to anyone reading the ramblings of a confused and misunderstood Ace. I have to be honest and say this is already taking a toll on me. I thought this could be peppered with humor, but it was a harrowing journey that I'm reflecting on for the first time. So, I'm guessing it will be more somber than expected. To top it off, I'm sure that I'm not the only one getting that cold sting of seasonal depression. That's for a different blog. Back to the main event.
What I didn't understand about my first full-fledged relationship was that I was experiencing a different form of attraction than him. Our passions aligned in several ways. He was intelligent and creative. He was the perfect balance of nerd and athletic. Just like me. I could watch anime after coming back from rock climbing. Do tricks on a trampoline and then look up at the beautiful sky to talk for a couple of hours. Plus, he was the first person ever to ask me out. It was a classic bump into the love interest situation. The class was asked to split into pairs. I only socialized a little in class, which usually resulted in finding the last person picked. We got along right away, and I had fun being around him. I saw him as a friend; he saw me as a potential girlfriend.
When he asked me out, I wanted to give it a chance. So far, so good; dating is how you figure out if there's a romantic attraction. He got me flowers for Valentine's Day and did his best to show me how much he cared for me. I loved being around him and even fondly remember going to Lord the Rings in theaters. As we went through our journey, his attraction turned to obsession, and mine turned to… What did it turn to? In my other experiences with kissing boys, I felt nothing, but I was too young to understand that it meant something. In that moment, with my boyfriend, it turned into what I can only describe as disgust. It seems harsh, but I think it was because there was more than a disconnect. It was toxic. I just didn't have therapy tools to turn to. The dates started to slow down. We spent more and more time at his place.
What I didn't understand about my first full-fledged relationship was that I was experiencing a different form of attraction than him. Our passions aligned in several ways. He was intelligent and creative. He was the perfect balance of nerd and athletic. Just like me. I could watch anime after coming back from rock climbing. Do tricks on a trampoline and then look up at the beautiful sky to talk for a couple of hours. Plus, he was the first person ever to ask me out. It was a classic bump into the love interest situation. The class was asked to split into pairs. I only socialized a little in class, which usually resulted in finding the last person picked. We got along right away, and I had fun being around him. I saw him as a friend; he saw me as a potential girlfriend.
When he asked me out, I wanted to give it a chance. So far, so good; dating is how you figure out if there's a romantic attraction. He got me flowers for Valentine's Day and did his best to show me how much he cared for me. I loved being around him and even fondly remember going to Lord the Rings in theaters. As we went through our journey, his attraction turned to obsession, and mine turned to… What did it turn to? In my other experiences with kissing boys, I felt nothing, but I was too young to understand that it meant something. In that moment, with my boyfriend, it turned into what I can only describe as disgust. It seems harsh, but I think it was because there was more than a disconnect. It was toxic. I just didn't have therapy tools to turn to. The dates started to slow down. We spent more and more time at his place.
We still went out with the group of friends I had acquired, but it felt like he became more interested in physical affection. So he'd try to stir me up. Neither of us knew that I didn't have the capacity to be sexually attracted to him. He never got far because I would stop him, but I felt like kissing couldn't be off-limits.
I did have to ponder on my own, though, because it isn't unreasonable for someone to want to express love physically. To want to have sex with someone they love. Now, sex isn't required to be in a romantic relationship; it doesn't define a relationship. Clearly, from our argument, it was something he wanted eventually. So, If this continued to get serious, I would eventually marry him. Possibly be asked to have children with him. Is that something I was capable of? To my deep sadness, the answer was a hard no. I was sad because I didn't realize at the time that I was in a toxic relationship. In true misadventure fashion, it was so messy when I broke up with him. A price I immediately paid in full.
He wasn't the first and certainly not the last person to look at me with unrequited lust. He was just the one to get the closest to what he wanted from me. What is blowing my mind right now is that I've been carrying this guilt placed on me by others. This guilt inside me isn't mine; just existing seemed to tempt the predators in my life. I can feel it in my bones. My first relationship reinforced that being beautiful is dangerous. I don't think for a second that I'm a 10, but I don't even want to be a 6.
So, I wrestled with guilt for not being the prize he wanted. I couldn't be what he needed. I couldn't be what he wanted. I wasn't a goddess, I wasn't perfect, and most importantly, I wasn't straight. That last part took another man and a female coworker's crush to help me to confirm.
Next time On Awkward Ace: When did the line between Platonic and Romantic love start to blur?
He wasn't the first and certainly not the last person to look at me with unrequited lust. He was just the one to get the closest to what he wanted from me. What is blowing my mind right now is that I've been carrying this guilt placed on me by others. This guilt inside me isn't mine; just existing seemed to tempt the predators in my life. I can feel it in my bones. My first relationship reinforced that being beautiful is dangerous. I don't think for a second that I'm a 10, but I don't even want to be a 6.
So, I wrestled with guilt for not being the prize he wanted. I couldn't be what he needed. I couldn't be what he wanted. I wasn't a goddess, I wasn't perfect, and most importantly, I wasn't straight. That last part took another man and a female coworker's crush to help me to confirm.
Next time On Awkward Ace: When did the line between Platonic and Romantic love start to blur?
Entry Two: Socially Awkward to the Max
When did I go from: “Crap? Did I accidentally flirt with that cashier because I wanted to say something clever?” To:
“Hmm, was that flirty enough for them to get the message?"
First of all, it's been a while. I have trouble keeping up with friends, and now, it would seem, my blog. I'm sorry, readers. I hope I have not disappointed you. It's been a busy couple of months. I also need to reveal that I've rewritten this passage several times. I think it's because I don't think this is part of my Ace journey that I've reconciled yet.
Even in therapy, we spent the majority of the time focusing on my trauma and how to navigate that. My sexuality is something that I've been working on by myself. I've definitely had insight from friends and family, but I've never sat down with someone neutral. This could be a trust issue. I also don't know how to find someone equipped to handle my specific orientation. So, I will put that out there and be upfront that most of my insight stems from how I see the world in relation to me.
Without further ado, here is one of the things I fear the most.
I think one of my biggest hurdles to overcome, which I am still trying to achieve, is understanding how to handle social cues. I see them bright as day; the trouble is navigating them. I see when I start to lose a person in a conversation or when I may have touched a boundary. I may have even slightly crossed it, but my mind immediately panics. I usually overcompensate or draw more attention to the error.
When I'm in survival mode, it's clear as day. Friend or Foe? Loud and Postering or Actual threat? Stand ground or run?
I'm very good at these questions. Now that I'm not accessing threats, things are much more complex. I can't always wait for people to break down my walls. I need to be vulnerable and smart. This is why I put up pretty high walls for work after a mistake or two. It's my life, and I can't risk losing it for someone I might only interact with for a month or a few years.
So, you are probably wondering how in the world did I allow myself to crush on a coworker? Well, that's because the people who make me feel safe tend to tear straight through the mental barricade. This doesn't keep me clear of mistakes. I've also had a few times where I wanted to be friends, and it ends in a dumpster fire. But that isn't my focus for this post! This supervisor transferred to my store to help us out. I wish I could describe it as less saccharine, but she was a ray of sunshine. I felt myself drawn to her kindness and positive energy. We got along very well, and I found myself wanting to match her energy.
So, you are probably wondering how in the world did I allow myself to crush on a coworker? Well, that's because the people who make me feel safe tend to tear straight through the mental barricade. This doesn't keep me clear of mistakes. I've also had a few times where I wanted to be friends, and it ends in a dumpster fire. But that isn't my focus for this post! This supervisor transferred to my store to help us out. I wish I could describe it as less saccharine, but she was a ray of sunshine. I felt myself drawn to her kindness and positive energy. We got along very well, and I found myself wanting to match her energy.
By this point in my life, I was getting jaded, and it was a nice reprieve.
It wasn't too long before I realized that I could see myself dating her in that cheesy 80s movie kind of way. I want to take a moment to remind everyone that, in this instance, this was purely romantic attraction. The second straightforward point I'd like to make is that I don't really think I knew that I wanted to date her. It was a hindsight observation. It wasn't until her going away party that it all became obvious.
Going away party: I went to the General Manager's house to celebrate her moving on in her career. It was later in the year in that perfect zone of fall weather. So, being the forgetful person I am, I didn't bring a jacket. At sunset, I became so cold that I was shivering pretty badly. No one offered me a coat, and I was way too shy to ask anyone for something to warm me. The lovely girl my friend was, she did the only thing she could think of to help. She sat on my lap. It worked pretty well, and she was still able to talk to everyone. Here I am, usually in some corner, quietly observing the room's full attention. I was so grateful and did my best to mingle. Towards the night's end, I realized that everyone was looking at me strangely. That's when my brain screamed that friends don't usually do this, not to mention I'd been behaving differently since she came around. Now, I could've been wrong, and my anxiety talking, but I think everyone thought we had feelings for each other, at the minimum. As far as she's concerned, I believe she viewed me strictly in a platonic manner, but I discovered I couldn't deny that it was different for me. Once again, it wasn't the act of her sitting on my lap. I didn't feel anything but the relief of the cold. It was how everyone else perceived the event that triggered so many questions for me. What really confused me was that not once did I think I wanted to have sex with her. What in the world did this mean? I didn't know the different forms of attraction. I assumed Sexual and Romantic attraction needed to go hand in hand. An idea placed on me by society. Even when I first started to learn about Asexuality, I would have friends try to argue that you need both. Through the experiences of other Aces and Aros and some dear friends, I know now that it is not true. What a relief that was to my adorkable little self! Ace out.
Next time on Misadventures: How did I learn about the final form of attraction and realize I am a homoromantic asexual?
Going away party: I went to the General Manager's house to celebrate her moving on in her career. It was later in the year in that perfect zone of fall weather. So, being the forgetful person I am, I didn't bring a jacket. At sunset, I became so cold that I was shivering pretty badly. No one offered me a coat, and I was way too shy to ask anyone for something to warm me. The lovely girl my friend was, she did the only thing she could think of to help. She sat on my lap. It worked pretty well, and she was still able to talk to everyone. Here I am, usually in some corner, quietly observing the room's full attention. I was so grateful and did my best to mingle. Towards the night's end, I realized that everyone was looking at me strangely. That's when my brain screamed that friends don't usually do this, not to mention I'd been behaving differently since she came around. Now, I could've been wrong, and my anxiety talking, but I think everyone thought we had feelings for each other, at the minimum. As far as she's concerned, I believe she viewed me strictly in a platonic manner, but I discovered I couldn't deny that it was different for me. Once again, it wasn't the act of her sitting on my lap. I didn't feel anything but the relief of the cold. It was how everyone else perceived the event that triggered so many questions for me. What really confused me was that not once did I think I wanted to have sex with her. What in the world did this mean? I didn't know the different forms of attraction. I assumed Sexual and Romantic attraction needed to go hand in hand. An idea placed on me by society. Even when I first started to learn about Asexuality, I would have friends try to argue that you need both. Through the experiences of other Aces and Aros and some dear friends, I know now that it is not true. What a relief that was to my adorkable little self! Ace out.
Next time on Misadventures: How did I learn about the final form of attraction and realize I am a homoromantic asexual?
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I am a guest blogger who is excited to share bi-monthly on this site! I'm so excited to write for you. I look forward to advocating asexuality and providing additional awareness of this often-misunderstood orientation.
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